


and 'til the end you're my very best friend

by coronaofastar



Category: Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, One-Sided Relationship, Partner Dynamics, i'll stop, or should i say parabatai dynamics hurhur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-28
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2020-02-08 18:11:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18628558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coronaofastar/pseuds/coronaofastar
Summary: "This is what Robert knew: That Michael was the best friend he’d ever had, and probably the purest soul he’d ever know. That he should sit beside Michael, promise him that this was okay, that nothing needed to change, that the oath they’d sworn to each other was true, and forever." - The Evil We Love, Cassandra Clare.The way things could have gone with Michael's confession.





	and 'til the end you're my very best friend

**Author's Note:**

> this really came out of nowhere y'all I'm sorry.

 “It’s not a joke. I’m in - ”

 He meant it, too, Robert could tell. In the pale morning light, Michael’s eyes were clear brown, earnest, determined, and, well.

  Frightened. He had seen Michael frightened, but those times were far and wide between. Whatever he’d been about to say turned to copper; his mouth tasted like metal. Or maybe it was blood from biting his tongue.

  “ - in love with you,” Michael was saying. “And I - I know you probably don’t feel the same way, that you couldn’t - it’s been years, Robert, and I just - I’m not asking anything of you, I swear, I…”

  He scrubbed his hands over his face. At some point his lanky frame had hunched up defensively, protectively, with his knees to his chest. He wouldn’t look at Robert. “I couldn’t stand it anymore,” Michael continued, in a very small voice. “Lying to you all the time. I know you’re in love with Maryse, and I’m happy for you. Really. I just wanted - I needed you to know.”

  He sounded utterly miserable.

  Robert stared at him. “How long?” he heard himself ask, as though from very far away.

  “I don’t know,” Michael said, in that same small voice. “A few years. It isn’t like I’ve been counting.”

   Robert supposed that was fair.

  “I only realized it after you came back from England, that one summer,” Michael added, even more quietly. “I never said anything because I didn’t - I thought it’d - I never thought anything would - ” He broke off with a choked sound, and Robert realized with a jolt that Michael was close to tears. “I’m not asking anything of you, I _ swear _ ,” Michael repeated, voice cracking on the last word. “I’m still me. Nothing’s changed.”

  Robert remembered that summer. His parents had dragged him off for a month to visit Lightwood relatives, cousins, still living in England. It was the first time he and Michael had been apart since they became  _ parabatai _ and neither of them had liked it. They sent fire-message after fire-message to bridge the gap, but still, every moment had been terrible, a strange, tugging emptiness where they each knew the other should be. 

  Robert had raced to Wayland Manor as soon as he and his parents finally got back to Idris. Relief had settled around him the moment he saw Michael - brown eyes bright, hair tousled and nose pink from a summer cold. But still Michael.

  Other memories came tumbling in: Michael’s steady hand etching the _ parabatai _ rune on his chest. Michael snoozing on his shoulder, utterly relaxed and content. Michael pouncing on him, laughing. Michael across from him in the library, passing each other ugly little scribbled notes. Michael fighting with him, back to back. Michael watching him as he braced to Mark himself, quietly encouraging.

  Michael drawing  _ iratzes _ for him with a worried frown. Michael lying beside him after their swim in Lake Lyn, both exhilarated, both beaming. Michael smiling, the brightest thing he’d ever known. Michael - young Michael, even then, coming back for him, day after day.

  Michael’s voice, trembling just slightly, desperate and afraid:  _ I’m still me. _

  Robert scrubbed his hands over his own face. “By the Angel,” he croaked. “Get up, Michael.”

  Michael stood, head bowed, arms folded protectively over his chest. Robert waited for Michael to look at him, and when he didn’t, yanked his parabatai into a crushing hug.

  Michael let out a surprised, half-strangled sound. His hands tentatively came up to hug Robert back, and after a moment, he buried his face in Robert’s shoulder. Robert could feel his whole frame trembling.

   “You’re my best friend, Michael,” Robert said. “And you’re right, you’re still you. I don’t - love you that way, but I love you,  _ parabatai. _ Nothing has to change.”

  There was a little hitching gasp. “I’ve been so scared,” Michael blurted, and Robert realized he was crying. He’d never made Michael cry before, had never even _seen_ him cry before. It was the worst feeling in the world. “I know I can never tell anyone, not my parents, not the Circle, but I hated lying to you and I didn’t know if you’d be okay with it and I was afraid you’d h-hate me and - ”

  “Michael, no.” Guilt sat heavy in Robert’s stomach; there was a part of him that knew that had it been Stephen, Lucian, or even Valentine instead of Michael - he didn’t know what he would have done or said. Things that he almost said to Michael, who trusted him so much. “I’m sorry I yelled at you, you just - took me by surprise.”

  Michael managed a shaky laugh, breaking apart to rub at his eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s fine. I was expecting worse.”

_ I was expecting worse _ . Robert felt almost hurt, that Michael had expected it from him, from his own  _ parabatai _ ...felt unbearably guilty, then, that Michael was right. “Still. I’m sorry I didn’t react well. It’s…”

  “A lot to process?” Michael smiled. His eyes were red from crying, but already he seemed lighter, his shoulders less tense, as though weight had been lifted from them. Robert didn’t know how he hadn’t seen it before, all this time. He didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed when Michael had started carrying that weight. “Join the club.”

  They both laughed, and that broke the tension a little. “We should go back soon,” Robert said, looking back towards their camp. “The guys will be up soon, and if we’re gone, they’ll ask where we’ve been.”

  “You’re right,” Michael said. “Just - one more thing.”

  He pulled Robert into a hug.

  “Thank you,” Michael said quietly. “We’re okay?”

  Robert squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled, long and slow. Already he was thinking about what would happen to Michael if his secret ever got out - what it would mean for him, for both of them. The scrutiny, judgement, and exile.

  But he also remembered twelve-year-old Michael, who hadn’t a fear in the world and never cared what anyone thought of him at all. The least Robert could do was return the favor.

  “Yeah, Michael,” Robert said. “We’re okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> One of my favorite things to do is to move one tiny piece in the timeline and try to imagine how it goes from there. I really wish this is the way things happened, for so many reasons, but as we know - alas.


End file.
